KH:BBS

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep.....amazing.

After I got back from lunch with the gals I laid down on the couch and played it. Soooo relaxing (until you get to the boss and you can't beat him. Lame).

I hate Sundays sometimes. I know I have work tomorrow, I know that I'm only going to see my baby for a little bit before bed. Ugh, it's sad. I just wanna cuddle all night long.

"We Gon' Run This Town Tonight"

Hahaha, SOOO I decided to continue my artistic streak today:



This is Zak and I taking over Berlin. FUCK YEA!!!

Ich liebe dich!!!!

What A Great Start!

Today is surprisingly going smoothly, despite the fact that I have a zit the size of Mt. Everest and a fucked up left hand from opening Sterno cans yesterday (btw, have you ever attempted to open one of those fuckers? They're impossible!).

I just feel right, like everything in the universe is aligned perfectly. I have amazing people in my life, a job that gets the bills paid and a future ahead of me that I am excited for.

Michele just walked in. Again, she's wearing her hooker boots and all black. She looks like she's in mourning - like a dead millionaires mistress.

I stand here at my position at work, listening to Hannah Montana, thinking about the most wonderful man in the history of the universe and answering the phone....life is very very good!




<---Bitch

Just Imagine...

Imagine a beautiful cafe with wonderful foods from around the world...

Fresh and local ingredients....

Soups, sandwiches, tapas, pastries....



And imagine Al Fresco dining here:




*Sigh* That would be heaven!

My Heart Beats For Love

Life is good. No. Life is amazing. When you focus more on the positive aspects and remove the negative, it is so much better. I knew it would take time, but eventually things would get better. It's not good to dwell on whats wrong, but rather move on from it. And I can honestly say, right now...theyres nothing wrong.

My Heart Beats For Love

I've been stranded on a lonely street
Got lost in the shadows
Fell hard in the battle
Heard crys and the suffering
Walked through the darkness Left broken and heartless
I'm calling out, can you hear my voice?
I'm gonna find you through all the noise
You know there's nothing that I wouldn't do
Shine your light as I reach for you

My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love
It's the sound that I hear
Tells me not to give up
It breathes in my chest
And it runs through my blood
My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love

I've been told at least a thousand times
It's not worth the struggle
The hurt or the trouble
I keep running up to these front lines
No I wont surrender
I'll wait here forever
Standing here with my flag up high
Cant you see that it's worth the fight?

My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love
It's the sound that I hear
Tells me not to give up
It breathes in my chest
And it runs through my blood
My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love

I march across this battlefield
I'm screaming out
Can hear me now?
I'm holding on
I'll stand my ground
I'm screaming out
Can you hear me now?

My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love
It's the sound that I hear
Tells me not to give up
It breathes in my chest
And it runs through my blood
My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love

My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love
It's the sound that I hear
Tells me not to give up
It breathes in my chest
And it runs through my blood
My heart beats for love
My heart beats for love
Love

Movie Night

We are sitting here waiting for Paranormal Activity 2. I have Beth on my right and an empty seat on my left. If only I had that beautiful boy named Zak in the seat. Cuddling with Beth is SO not as fun. Especially when she keeps cheating on me with some black guy.

Lame.

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"Before The Storm"

GAHHHH

I'm so over today. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. My anxiety is way through the roof and I am roasting as I stand here and write this.

Zak wants to date...not be in a relationship, but rather just date. What does this mean? Does it mean we are not obligated to be faithful to one another? I don't know what this is. I understand that he wants us to be like we were before we were officially a couple, but its bringing back so many unfortunate memories of relationships past.

Its like Brian and I. We fought, broke up.....continued to see each other but he would see other people behind my back. It destroyed me. I don't think I can do this again. No, I can't do this again.

I'm just so confused, and thus, really sad. I don't even know who to talk to about this predicament. I don't want this to be Brian all over again. I want to work on us, and only us. I don't want to even think about what might be going on outside the picture.

I don't want to be confused anymore. I know what I want, and I just want to make that happen.

Sleep

Sleep is such a funny thing. It seems to me that when you want it, you can't get it....and when you don't want it, thats all you get. As I lay here trying to sleep, my mind is off wandering around, preventing me from my temporary comatose. I found an application for my phone that is allowing me to type this up and post it. Too bad I can't find an application to put me to sleep.

I'm starting to stress out a little. I got an email from my mother asking me for the dates that I want to fly out and see them for Christmas. They want to pick up the airfare (which is totally cool and all), but I so want to spend my Christmas with that special someone. I don't know what to do. I know things aren't totally patched up, and that requires time. I just don't know what to do about the holidays. Ugh.

Also, I'm stressing about work. I'm so sick of making minimum wage and want something better. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks. I want to do things that are fun and exciting and adventurous. But normally that takes money....money that I don't have. I'm constantly debating getting a second job, but with school as well, I don't know how feasible that is.

Jesus.....I hope I can sleep now that I've written what on my mind. Wish me luck. Goodnight.

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Sigh of Relief

*SIGH*

That was my much needed sigh of relief.

Life can be so funny at times, and how it can make you feel and understand. Life can also be a royal bitch by being so freaking confusing. But in the end, we are what we make it. Why let life be confusing? Why not make it the best that it can be, void of all confusion.

I know I'm not confused when I say 'I love you'. So why should I let life be confusing? That makes NO sense at all.

I really hope its all smooth sailing from here on out. Well....I don't hope. I know...

Study Time

So, Beth and I are sitting here trying to do our homework. Luckily I'm so doped up on medication that my headache is pretty much gone. But I can guarantee that it will be back in about 3 hours. BLAH.

So I think I made some progress with Zak today. I found out that he's been reading these posts as well (and probably at some point, this specific one). This is good, like really really good. I'm glad that at this point in time, something is sort of working .

Anyways, like I said, trying to do homework...

Not working, OI!

^ Obviously

Love

‎"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

Love is such a tricky little bastard. You don't always understand when you have it, but once you lose it, you realize that you had it...and have now lost it. Fortunately, in some cases, you can get that love back. You realize why/how you lost it, and from there you gain a higher understanding and figure out what you need to do to retrieve and hold onto that love.

It's like a test. You can fail a practice test, but if you learn from your mistakes from that test, you will be sure to ace the final. I think that love is almost exactly like that. You can fail at love the first time around, but if you try hard enough, its all A's from there on out.

I think I'm capable of A's.....do you? If so, let us try this again. Let us prove that a love like ours is manageable and can be perfect.

And I li-li-li-li-like the way you spin my world around,
And my he-he-he-hearts good for one more kick.
So how do we do this?
Cause I believe you're worth it.
How do we do this?
What's it take, and is it gonna break me down,
I found, that nothing can't come from nothing.
So you better come round, I'm down.
How do we do this

~Sterling Knight - How We Do This

The Nanny

I love watching 'The Nanny' before bed. It's so witty and charming and funny, such a great feel good show before retiring to a realm of magical thoughts for the next 8 hours. And I learn so much about the Jewish faith and high carb desserts.

If they'res one thing that really stuck with me in the current episode that I am watching, its the youngest daughter referencing getting a pudding cup chucked at her head at lunchtime by a boy who is crushing on her. If Zak were here, I would throw a pudding cup at him.

Oh, this evening, Beth, Holly and Gloria and I all carved our pumpkins for Halloween. They're beautiful! I carved Snow White :) Beth made Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants, Holly made Jack Skellington and Gloria made....well, stars.

Anywho, it's past my bedtime. I think I'm going to heat up my leftover Olive Garden, consume it, and pass out whilst finishing my show.

GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

Love That Let's Go

I just heard a new song off the Hannah Montana Forever soundtrack, and it is sooo depressing. I actually got mildly choked up over it. Here are the lyrics and a link to the song.

Love That Lets Go Lyrics

There's a gold frame that sits by the window
And my heart breaks a little more each time I try
To picture the memory inside

There's an old book that's too hard to read it
But if you look you'd see now you look through me eyes

And now one more chapter's gone by, and I know...
It's time to move on and even though I'm not ready
You've got to be strong just where you're heading
And even though it's not easy
I know the right kind of love
Doesn't wanna miss the future
Standing in the past it will always hold on
But never hold you back
And even though it's not easy
Right now, the right kind of love
Is the love that lets go....
Is the love that lets go

Click for Youtube video

*Sigh*

Carrie Underwood...

...is a God.

"Someday When I Stop Loving You"

...I don't think I could ever stop loving you :(

Anxiety

Wow, I'm really over how much my heart rate has been spiking this week. Everytime I think about him, I get mad adrenaline rushes and anxiety and my heart rate goes up like crazy.

Gregg showed me a letter today that was written by Beethoven:

"Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours"

How sad and soooo sooooooooo true.

I love you baby

November 17, 2009

This is only the greatest email I ever received: From:	Zaevodnik
To:	alias2on2
Subject:	Heyy!
Date:	November 17, 2009 4:31:14 PM EST

Yo gorgeous. I'm studying in Berlin this semester but I'll be back at Penn State for spring semester! I'm still looking for ((excuse the cliche)) mr. right...so many guys at penn state are ridic promiscuous and they've all fucked eachother and i'm over that scene and am looking for something more serious - i miss all the cuddling and just knowing everything about a boy i'm in love with. sorry if that was too forward for a first message, but i wanted to let you know i'm a real person and not just some idiot on here looking for a piece of ass, lol. i randomly saw "goldeneye" on your profile - i used to kill my dad several times a day back in the late 90s when we were pros, hahhaha. what's up anyway and wtf are you doing in the 16801 anyway!?

Fall

I love fall. The crisp smelling, cool breeze. The colourful foliage. The snuggling time.

I love fall even better when I have someone to share those feelings with. Someone to curl up on the couch with and watch a movie and sip hot tea. To bundle up in sweaters and coats and go for walks with. Someone to anticipate the holiday season with.

Looks like my holidays this year are going to be as lackluster as the past few years. Oh well, at least I'm used to it. I was excited. I'm definitely not now.

Tale As Old As Time...

I just spend the past however many hours watching Pocahontas and Beauty and the Beast. It was AMAZING!

During the second movie, I got a surprise phone call from Zak. Wow, it was so good to hear his voice, but I remained neutral to our situation which I am very proud of myself for doing. I want to give in and crawl back, but I can't.....not right now. I need to learn more about myself before attempting anything that could hurt me again.

But damn, my heart went a flutter when I saw his name pop up on my cell phone. I wanted to cry when we were talking, because I do love him and do miss him. Gahhhhh....why must this be so difficult. I want us like we were before. Happy and fun. Just how I felt when I was watching and singing to 2 wonderful Disney classics.

Why is our relationship like that of Belles and the Beasts? Two individuals that know how much they love each other, but can't display it properly without butting heads. Why can't we wake up as each others princes like in the end. Sigh. I guess it's because life isn't a fairytale and sometimes we don't get our happy endings, as much as we want them.

I just hope that somewhere along our story, we will get the chance to make that fairytale ending happen...I know it's possible...

"Bitter, sweet and strange.....finding you can change, learning you were wrong."

Goodnight

Hi, my name is Chris

I like...

Miley Cyrus....a lot

Hannah Montana

Demi Lovato

Disney Movies

Cooking

A Good, Cold Beer

My HTC EVO 4G

Bubble Baths

All My Friends

Scarves

Making Scarves

My Music Class

All My Music

Country

Nashville

My Parents And My Little Bro

Chinese Food

Smoking

Video Games

Kingdom Hearts

Utada Hikaru And Ayumi Hamasaki

Just Having Fun

Trampolines

Cook Books

Blue Or Green Eyes

Oh....And Facial Hair ;)

The Colours Of Fall

Spelling Things Like Colors......As Colours

Or Neighbors And Neighbours

Down With The Sickness

Tea Time With Carrie And Trixie

The Name Trixie

The Fact That I Nicknamed Someone Trixie

....And People Call Her That!

A Nice, Clean Crap

Creative Thinking

BnB's

Carrie Fucking Underwood!

The Number 12

The Number 7012

Especially When You Call It Seventy-Twelve

Leslie Ellis

Australia

St. Philips College

PEEEEENNNNNNNN STTTAAATTTTEEEEE!!!!

Grrrrrrrr

My Adorable Side

Again, My Adorable Side

....It's Really Adorable <('o'<) <---Kirby

Dogs

Big Dogs

BIG DOGS THAT WILL EAT YOUR FACE!!!!!

Hahaha, JK

Oh God, LIFE!!!!!!

I think I want to start going back to church. Hmmm....thoughts?

41 Checkouts

I have 41 checkouts left for the day. That's 41 excuses not to think of him.

Gah I have such a headache and I feel very sick t0 my stomach. I guess I should get used to this feeling seeing that stopping my meds will do it to me as well.

I'm actually very nervous about cutting myself from the anti-depressant. I guess immediately after I stop taking it, I will reach nights of sleeplessness, hightened anxiety, vomitting and headaches....yay...

After that will come manic depression and suicidal thoughts until my body has adjusted back to normal.

VERY scary stuff, and I'm very nervous.

Well now that I'm done ranting, make that 38 excuses not to think of him. :-/

Battle of the Sexes

Beth and I just played Battle of the Sexes, and it was good. Took my mind off things, which I enjoyed.

The only part that was sad was when I popped a bag of popcorn for us and it made me think of when Zak and I cuddled one night and watched "The Imaginerium of Doctor Parnassus" whilst eating salt and pepper flavored popcorn.

I miss the soft touch and the love that was shared in small moments like that.

Btw, I whooped Beths butt!

I really hope tomorrow is better. I really, really hope so.

Hmmm

I just got done watching "Freedom Writers" on MTV. It made me cry a couple times, but it's such a great movie.

I miss Zak. I hate not being able to talk to him. Or to hold him. Or to love him.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. My heart has been annihilated and I don't even know how to start picking up the pieces.

You know, I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted to be his everything, just like he was mine. Maybe I didn't show it enough, but I guess that's my fault. I didn't let him know exactly how much I loved him. On the other side of the fence, he showed his love in off-beat ways, so the entire situation got a little hairy at times.

God, what we had was so good at times. And already, within 24 hours, I miss that like crazy. I hope we can be friends at least, because he is definitely somebody that I want to keep around forever. I look up to him for his ability to remain calm and stable through anything, something that I wish I could be more like. He knows where he's going, has goals, good friends and family and so much overall support, its amazing. I'm sad that I am no longer apart of the family aspect.

I'm so stupid at times. He's so stupid at times. Why the hell must it be like this?

The first day of the rest of my life.

So yesterday was like being hit in the face by a wrecking ball. My boyfriend broke up with me. Sad story, yes.

I don't understand why we butt heads so much, and over the stupid crap at that. I mean, I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me too. I just wish we could get back to the place we were at when our relationship started over 9 months ago. We both do stupid shit, but why? That's what I have yet to understand.

Anywho, we broke up. That's that. Now today is like getting into a completely new routine. I'm lost, I don't know what to do with myself. I have nobody to text or to talk to about my day so far like I have had for so long. I want to pick up my phone and ask him, "How's your day going babe?"...but I can't. Its very depressing.

Speaking of depression....I've decided that once my Celexa runs out, I am no longer going to take it. I'm not going to be an emotionally controlled robot. We all have feelings and emotions that we express for a reason. I don't want mine voided anymore. I want to feel happiness and love, and even sadness, but as the rest of the world does. Plus, it might help me with my anger problems.

So now today, I will step back into the light with my head held high. I will be happy....because I deserve that. No matter what happens in the future, I just need to be happy.

Oi, wish me luck...